I never understood why guys started acting weird around this time of year. Well, straight guys anyway. I always thought it might’ve been something physical – like a girl’s time of the month, this is the male’s time of the year. But I recently found out the answer. It’s something called March Madness. Now, if I ever worked at a chain pub called DT McDoubleshots, which I don’t, but if I did, I would be privy to the information that March Madness refers to a college basketball tournament. Guys all over the country fill out brackets to predict who will win and watch games between no-name schools like Xavier and Portland State like it’s the friggin’ moon landing. Even President Obama filled out a bracket. Good to see he’s not letting the stress of his job get to him.

But there’s been a lot of crazy stuff going on that made me think the term March Madness shouldn’t just refer to some basketball thing. Talk about madness, take a look at what’s been going on lately.

First off, Rihanna getting together with Chris Brown. Look, the guy’s cute and all, but you do not speak to a guy who hit you, unless you’ve asked them to, and the hitting was firm but gentle. This guy is no good. Come on, girl, you can do better anyway. You should get a real man – a guy who actually has to shave every day.

Thought it was weird that Obama had enough time to fill out a tournament bracket? Now he’s going on the Jay Leno show. Isn’t he the president? And you’re going on Leno? What’s next, a guest starring spot on How I Met Your Mother? Although that might be cool. Obama can play Doogie Howser’s cool friend, Chazz. They go out to pick up chicks together but Obama has a secret. Turns out he’s gay. Doogie flips out because they were roomies in college and might have seen him naked. But Doogie soon learns the error of his ways and makes up with Obama/Chazz and even hooks him up with his cute hairdresser Mauricio. I smell GLAAD award!

And finally… if this weren’t a true story, I would steal it and take credit for it. Former Project Runway finalist and all around unpopular kid Kenley Collins was arrested for attacking her finace with apples, a laptop, and get this… a cat. Yeah, a cat. I don’t know what kind of cat, but I’m picturing this dude running around with a screeching kitty clawed to his face. But to top it all off… the fiancé’s name is Zak Penley. So if they got married, her name would’ve been Kenley Penley! Maybe that’s why she flipped. She just figured that out and went nutso. I mean, I wouldn’t want to get married and be known as Amanda Shmamanda.

So, happy, or sad March Madness everybody. Let’s hope next month brings us April Awesomeness.

Amanda Tanen Sommers

There’s a saying, “Beware the Ides of March.” Now, I don’t know who that is, but there’s something else that happens around this time of year that is another thing to beware of… St. Patrick’s Day. St. Patrick was a missionary and is now the patron saint of Ireland. (See, I do research. I don’t just pull this stuff out of my perky bum). And every March 17th (except last year) people around the world celebrate this noble man by getting blitzed on green beer and dressing like leprechauns. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for dress-up parties, but until I’m told that Kermit green is in, I think I’ll pass.

I guess St. Patrick’s Day is supposed to celebrate all things Irish. But why do they get a special holiday? The British don’t get Prince Charles Day. I actually happen to celebrate Prince Harry Day, but only in private. And it happens about twice a month. And what’s so great about the Irish anyway? Their big thing is potatoes, right? Um, hello? Carbs. That famine was a blessing in disguise if you asked me.

But then I got to thinking that if we’re going to celebrate the Irish, we should do it right… by discussing our favorite Irish celebrities. Top prize has to go to Colin Farrell. He’s nice to look at, but when you hear that Irish brogue… let’s just say I’d kiss more than his Blarney Stone.

You can’t talk about the Irish without mentioning U2. I think it’s a law. Bono is still hot after all these years and he cares about helping the world. I can’t remember if his thing is global warming, feed the poor, or free Mandela, but whatever it is, the world is a better place for having him in it.

There there’s Cillian Murphy. He played the bad guy in that first Christian Bale Batman movie, the one who wore that burlap sack on his head. I think I like him mainly because his name is pronounced Killian. Sounds dangerous. But he gets points off because he might actually be prettier than me.

And I guess I have to admit my guilty Irish pleasure… Bill O’Reilly. I know, I know, but he’s tall, he’s got those bright blue eyes, and there’s just something about the way he bullies people and calls them pinheads that just turns me on. Maybe that’s what he means by the O’Reilly Factor.

I hope everyone has a safe, St. Patrick’s Day, free of sloppy drunks and full of sexy hunks.

Amanda Tanen Sommers

So, I’m probably not supposed to be mentioning any of this, but Mode kind of has a bit of a cash flow problem these days. I know there’s this recession and all, but the nerds – I mean, accountants, are all walking around looking like they’re going to throw up. It’s all so depressing, so I actually found myself watching the news. By the way, am I the only person who thinks the phrase “Obama’s Stimulus Package” is dirty? Anyway, the news is good for when you’re bumming because it reminds you that other people’s lives are worse than yours.

One thing I found out from watching the news – there are a lot of homely ladies out there with chimps for pets. Even Kim Kardashian has one. Not that I’m saying Kim is homely. She’s not. She’s actually kind of sexy in a Jessica Simpson fell off the cheeseburger wagon kind of way. But seriously, it seems like everyone has a chimp. Not me. I am perfectly happy with my lovable pooch, Halston. He’s just as adorably ugly as a chimp, but at least I don’t have to pay for diapers. And I’m reasonably sure he’s not going to rip my face off.

The only thing that seems to be more dangerous to have around the house than chimps, are 14 kids – 8 of them the same age. Can I just tell you how much I love the name Octo-mom? Sounds like some sort of mutant superhero. Able to birth eight babies in a single bound. That is one shady chick though. I love Angelina Jolie as much as the next girl, but I’m not having plastic surgery done to look like her. I wonder if the Octo-dad looks like Brad Pitt. I’m guessing no. Probably looks like Billy Bob Thornton. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if it was Billy Bob Thornton.

On the positive side this week – Britney is back! She launched her Circus tour from New Orleans. Now, I’m glad she’s back on stage and not spewing bald-headed rage on the paparazzi anymore, but I’d much rather have her sing than join a circus. Stick with what you know. Remember “Crossroads?” Yeah, no one else does either. Wait, someone just told me that Circus is the name of Britney’s new album. Well, now I’m a little sad because I was starting to get excited about seeing Britney in a circus. I’d like to watch her get thrown from a trapeze, or walk a tightrope, or get out of a clown car. Wouldn’t be the first time.

And finally, a little mix of good news and bad news. The good news – High School Musical is back! The bad news – no Zac Efron or Vanessa Hudgens. Will it really be the same without them? Although now that I think about it, it’s probably for the best. They are getting a little long in the tooth for this type of thing. They’d have to call it High School Musical 4: Left Back.

Uh oh. I just saw another accountant walk by crying. He was using his bow tie to dry his tears. I’m praying he just realized he’s a virgin and it’s not something that affects me.

Amanda Tanen Sommers

Just when I was coming down from the high that was Fashion Week, what drops into my lap, but the Oscars! The reddest of red carpets. God really does give with both hands. Although these days, I’ve started to become a follower of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, Google it. He makes a lot of good points.

Anyway, on to the Oscars. There’s a lot to talk about. I was checking out a lot of the preshow coverage to catch all the “stars” who get there early. Just like fashion week, there’s a way to pick out who’s hot and who’s not. Basically, if you get there before the accountants holding the shiny metal briefcases, call your agent. The later you arrive, the hotter you are. Brad and Angelina seemed to show up just before the thing started. Well played, you guys. I think it’s better that way, too. Save the best for last. You don’t want to climax too soon. I say that from experience.

Is it just me, or am I the only one who misses Joan Rivers? I miss seeing that taut-skinned harpie not know who she’s interviewing. Now it’s Lisa Rinna and Joey Fatone covering the carpet for the TV Guide channel. Who says Dancing With The Stars is a career ender? And Ryan Seacrest on E! I personally find him likable and cute, but ever since his rage-inspiring turn as host of the Emmys, I think he should be banned from all award shows. The one thing that helped raise his hosting cred after that debacle was the even worse job of hosting at this year’s Emmys. “No Deal,” Howie Mandel. One thing I did like was seeing America’s Next Top Model’s Mr. Jay on E! doing the “Glamastrator.” They would freeze the shot so Jay could do a little Fashion 101 for the viewers. I was impressed. Quite a bean in that little over-gelled head.

Okay, enough of the hosts and on to the fashions. Light colors seemed to be the theme this year. A lot of whites, creams, and pale colors dominated the looks. Penelope Cruz in a vintage Balmain gown, which she apparently fell in love with 8 years ago but didn’t get until now. Now that’s will power. If I see a dress I like, I’m handing my credit card over to the saleslady like I’m being mugged. Also in on the fair-toned frocks, Sarah Jessica Parker, Miley Cyrus, Taraji P. Henson, Jessica Biel, and Anne Hathaway. OMG, Anne looked amazing, wearing Armani Prive with circular pailettes down the skirt. Definitely my top Mandy Award winner. And she can sing, too! I love her. And now I hate her.

Another trend were one-strapped gowns. Marisa Tomei’s Versace gown, Kate Winslet’s Yves Saint Laurent dress, and Queen Latifah’s outfit come to mind. I wonder if that had anything to do with Michelle Obama’s inaugural number. Can we say trendsetter?

Other top vote-getters: Natalie Portman in an orchid colored gown by Rodarte, and Freida Pinto in a one sleeve, blue John Galliano dress. She’s definitely one to watch. And here’s a surprise… Meryl Streep. I thought she looked great. Interesting that her two movies this year were Doubt and Mama Mia where she played a strict nun in one and a middle-aged former slut in the other. That lady has range. And did you see her daughter? Not so bad herself. Where has she been hiding?

As for the fashion don’ts, I gotta give the Mandy Award loser trophy to Reese Witherspoon. To be fair, her black and blue outfit wasn’t horrible, but she’s usually so on the money that this one was a disappointment. Next up, Tilda Swinton. When I was young and was scared of the monster living in my closet, the monster looked like her. Another obvi loser was Philip Seymour Hoffman. I would’ve felt bad for him when Alan Arkin messed up his name during the show, but first, you gave yourself three names. That hasn’t been cool since Jonathan Taylor Thomas. And second, you came in wearing that ski hat. Seriously. You know you’re gonna get trashed for that. As a general rule, ski caps should only be worn by skiers, bank robbers, and Enrique Iglesias.

One last thought, I’m kind of glad that Mickey Rourke didn’t win. Not because I don’t like him. He’s way cool. But as part of his ensemble with his Gaultier suit, he was wearing a necklace with a picture of his dog who recently died on it. If you remember, he thanked his dog in his Golden Globe speech, and not long after, he croaked. It might be a coincidence, but all I’m saying is, keeping Mickey off the podium might have saved lives.

Alas, another awards season has come to an end. Looks like I’ll have to go back to pretending to work.

Amanda Tanen Sommers

It’s here! It’s here! No, not my own personal fansite AmandaTanenSommers.net. I’m having a few legal issues with that. Apparently there are even some things you can’t show on the internet. What I’m talking about is Fashion Week! It’s the greatest thing to happen to New York since Captain Sully decided to become an airline pilot. And since I’m the face of Mode and, as Fey Sommer’s daughter, Fashion royalty, I can give you an exclusive, in-depth look at all the behind-the-scenes action: the top designers, the hottest fashions… eh, who cares about that? You want gossip. Well, don’t worry. I’ll tell you all about the cat fights, snubs, and who’s going backstage for a sleazy romp in the chiffon.

I’m actually doing this blog from inside the tents. I don’t want to miss anything. There is one thing to be on the lookout for at Fashion Week, and that’s the celebrities. All the hottest stars come. And the not so hot. You can tell whose caché has fallen by who gets stuck in the second row. If you get bumped from the first row… you might as well kill yourself. Because your life is over. That’s right, Ashlee Simpson. I’m looking at you.

Oh look, there’s Marc. Hmm… I thought he’d be busier. He’s just chatting up a cater waiter. I bet he’s using his go-to schmooze story, about the time he ran into Justin Timberlake in the bathroom and “thanked” him for bringing sexy back. Gotta give it to the kid, that line does get him some action.

Mode is back again this year with its Ten Designers To Watch show. They have this amazing designer named Heinrich. I’ve never actually seen anything he’s done, but everyone’s talking about him so that means he’s great. As I’m looking at the set design for Heinrich’s show, I see a huge Berlin Wall. The cool thing about Fashion is that it can be art that tells a story. For example, Heinrich is from Germany, and not to get all history lesson-y on you, but I think the significance of the Berlin Wall is worth mentioning. You see, Berlin was a band in the eighties, and this wall is clearly a set from one of their concerts. They had a hit song from the iconic homo-erotic film, “Top Gun,” called “Take My Breath Away.” You know the one I mean. Don’t tell me you don’t sing it to yourself in the shower, or in the car, or in the supermarket canned meats aisle.

The runway setup for the Mode show is great. The runway is also known as the catwalk, and the wench’s plank. Okay, they’ don’t really call it a wench’s plank. It’s just something I’m trying to start. The thing to look for when the models come out, other than the clothes of course, is how they models walk. To be a top model, it takes more than just looking like, well, me. You’ve got to have a signature walk. Mine is totally killer, but since I only get to do it in my apartment hallway, my neighbors think I’m nuts. Which I’m fine with. Keeps the loons away. The best way to be safe in a nut house is to be the craziest one in the room, right?

Backstage is the wildest place to be during a fashion show. It’s a mad house filled with hot naked women and gay men who could care less. Everyone’s running around tugging at clothes, putting on makeup, spraying hair… it’s like a junior high school girl’s room on speed. Oh, and here’s an insider fashion tip. Cooking spray. Spray a little on your skin… instant glow. But be careful. If you start to smell roast pork, it means the lights are too hot and the spray is cooking your boobs. Okay, gotta go… Heinrich’s show is about to start. Be right back with the full recap.

OMG. That was insane. We just saw the birth of Heinrich’s new line and the birth of Wilhelmina’s new baby. And I have two things to say: Wow, and uch. First, the important news. Heinrich’s clothes were to die for. In fact, I think one of the models was horribly maimed by an errant shoulder strap. As for the baby, it was slimy and gross. And I’m not sure, but I think Heinrich was eyeing all the gushy parts to make a purse out of. That guy is loco.

Anyway, it was an amazing Fashion Week. And there’s only one thing better than the shows at Fashion Week – the after parties. And the Rock & Republic after party is starting any second. I have to go home, change, and wait an hour to leave so I can be fashionably late. Catch you next time! Mandy, out. Ugh, did I just do that lame Ryan Seacrest thing? Totally my bad.

Amanda Tanen Sommers